Nurturing Your Child's Emotions

Emotions are a big part of life!  Problem is they are kind of tricky for kids. This is why they need you to be their coach! We often teach our kids rules and what is right or wrong, but sometimes big emotions derail their best intentions. Not only this big emotions unmanaged can get in the way of other important development.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a child's cognitive development is connected to emotional well-being. "The way a child connects to their parent emotionally can skyrocket their intelligence if the emotional security is there." So this is important stuff! Every child needs to be LISTENED to, VALIDATED, and RESPECTED.

Dr. Gottman gave 5 steps to help you coach your child through emotions. They are:
1. NOTICE your child's emotions
2. Help them to feel UNDERSTOOD
3. Help them LABEL what they feel. (They don't have the word bank to do this.)
4. UNDERSTAND them.
5. Limit behaviors if needed.

Relationships and emotional connection are the foundation for learning. It is critical to give respect when we are under stress. In this way we build a secure relationship that will ensure connectivity with our child so they can develop healthy habits and relationships.

Watch the following video to see an introduction on this critical principle.

Note: Gottman, John. (2014, May 17). Emotion Coaching: The Heart of Parenting - The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/v0vj9Z4kpEk

Understanding How Your Child Works

Going on a trip without a map, compass, or some sort of basic directions is sure to bring some frustration. Likewise, heading into parenting without arming yourself with some basic knowledge about general development, stages, and milestones you will encounter with your child would be discouraging.

Taking them time to educate yourself is one of the greatest gift you can give your child. They change not only on the outside as they grow, but also on the inside. Psychological development is predictable according to Laurence Stienberg, PhD. You can anticipate what you are heading into and thus be prepared!

You cannot avoid development, so get prepared so you can enjoy the journey. Be deliberate in your parenting but flexible enough to stay in pace with your child's individual development.

And most of all, remember while basic parenting principles apply to all children, it is up to you to adapt them to your child's age, personality, interests, and circumstances. Do this by discovering each of your children for the individual they are. You may worry how your children will react if things are not the same for each one. Children care more about fairness than about absolute equality, so help them understand as you make adjustments. They will respect you for sharing with them, and this will strengthen their own ability to adapt to situations as they mature. Most importantly when things go unexpectedly, keep on your toes by granting each situation surprise and curiosity rather than fear and disappointment, by doing this you can enjoy the amazing adventure that parenting truly is.

The following links are helpful resources to understand more about how your child works:

Children Age 1-3: https://pathways.org/growth-development/toddler/

Birth to Age 5: www.http://helpmegrowmn.org/HMG/index.htm

Mental Development: https://developingchild.harvard.edu

12-15: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence.html

15-17: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescence2.html

First Things First

The Parenting Pyramid by Arbinger Company is an invaluable source of evaluation that is critical to us as parents.  If we are not taking inventory of situations and reactions we can be causing harm without ever realizing it. 

Wallace, Chris and Debbie (2002, May 2). Are You An Imperfect Parent? And why it might be good if you are..., Retrieved: http://ws.arbinger.com/wp-content//uploads/2013/08/April2012Newsletter.pdf

The foundational principle of the pyramid is the Personal Way of Being. This means the way we care for our self, use our time, our attitudes, our beliefs, our reactions. These all MATTER. These things all matter and affect all our relationships. Especially our ability to parent our children in positive ways.

Number two on the pyramid is Parents Relationship. We often think of this relationship separate from our parenting. No one can completely compartmentalize their worlds. Kids are perceptive and see and feel the affects of your relationship. "The marital relationship is the central relationship in the family; in significant ways it colors all others." It has been said to father's "the most important thing you will ever do for your children is to love their mother."

It may surprise you that number three on the Parenting Pyramid is the first mention of Children. This layer is the Parent/Child Relationship.  We must consistently be working to stabilize our self then with others, including our children. If we do not cultivate a loving and supportive relationship with our children we will never be able to teach them in the ways they need to be.

Number Four is when the Teaching begins only after we have established ourselves and stabilized our relationships are we in a prime position to be able to teach. Children listen to those who they feel respected by. 

The tip of the Parenting Pyramid is Correction, it is small and comes last because without the other 4 foundational steps all we have is discipline that will be control based and fear induced. Too often parents begin with correction then work backwards, they then think since they have controlled the problem they can teach then work on their relationship with their children. This backwards approach will not produce well adjusted children.  

Welcome to Paradigm Parenting Skills!

Parenting is one of the greatest adventures you will ever embark on. It can bring you great joy, invoke your greatest hopes, and stretch you to your limits. The purpose of this sharing space is to give place for the exploration of basic parenting principles.

Each post will be categorized under the following labels that come from the NEPEM (National Extension Parent Education Model). This model was not created as a parenting education program. It was created to provide a common ground on 29 critical parenting practices (not exclusive) that are organized into six areas: Self Care, Understand, Guide, Nurture, Motivate, Develop, Advocate. These areas were organized carefully to provide understanding and direction across cultures and belief systems in these important areas of parenting. Explore our posts to find information and sharpen your skills here with us at Paradigm Parenting Skills!

For more on the NEPEM see the following link- https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/